Retired...

First day I didn't have to go to work!  Got up, drove to Wilmington and spent the day with my grandkids...something I've greatly missed.  They were both delighted to hear that Grandma is finished working.  It was fun and tiring, and I'm looking forward to more days like it.  Tomorrow will be a lazy day.  I turn 63 tomorrow.  I don't know how I got here...20s...30s...40s...then boom, 63!  I don't feel old, but it sounds old.  Wish life had do-overs!  Anyway, tomorrow's my birthday and I'm going to chill.

Work ended with a bang.  Busy on call weekend, two deaths and I was out all Sunday night.  Both families were very nice and told me I really helped them get through this most difficult time.  I left feeling that I've made a difference in people's lives.

Have a bunch of things to do next week, then off we go.  Heading to Indiana to pick up our new fifth wheel RV.  The adventure begins...

Late Night Thoughts...

Having one of those nights when I can't sleep...just can't turn my mind off.

Two more weeks of work left (plus a final on-call weekend), then the paychecks stop.  So does the health insurance.  Going to have to file for my Social Security.  Need to find out about COBRA insurance, but have serious doubts about whether I can afford it.  Two years until I am eligible for Medicare.  My Social Security alone isn't going to be enough to subsist on.  Jack will have his VA benefit and Social Security...but he will also have alimony to pay.  Still waiting to see what happens re: his ex's health insurance.  Will be a real kick in the teeth if he is forced to pay for hers while I can't afford any!  Worried that the courts may take half his income for her...she could end up with more income than he has!  Men do not fare well in this state when it comes to divorce.

We are getting ready to make a huge life change.  It is exciting to contemplate, but scary too.  Wondering what expenses will be like and how well we will be able to manage.  Live safe or take a chance?  We are opting to take a chance. I do fine with some risks, but financial risks are hard for me.  We could try and live a quiet, safe life in Wilmington.  I would be near Becca and my beloved Katie and Jackson, but we wouldn't have much going on in our life.  It's not likely there would be money for travel once we paid all our basic living expenses.  I don't want to waste away on the couch.  So we are opting to take a chance...take the risk...and put adventure into our later years.  Exciting but scary.

Keeps me awake some nights... 

Time to Retire

The stress has gotten to me.  Eleven deaths in about two weeks, five in one day, two on-call nights that had me out all night long!  It is time to retire!  My last day is April 1, 2013...three months ahead of plan.  I feel such a relief and am counting the days (19) until then.  I am excited and terrified.

Excited about the prospects of retirement and our plans to travel.  Terrified at the prospect of a greatly reduced income.  I keep telling myself - "It's only money."  There comes a time, I think, when one has to rearrange priorities.  This is the time.

Went to a funeral today.  My favorite patient died a bit unexpectedly.  I had mixed feelings about leaving him when I retire.  On one hand, because I was like part of the family, I didn't want to have to go through his death with him; on the other hand, I didn't want someone else to be there at that most difficult time of life.  He took care of it for me, by taking a sudden downturn last weekend and dying Monday morning.  It was my job to pronounce him.  I will miss our weekly visits and will likely stop in to see his wife down the road.

I have one other favorite patient...we will have to see what happens with him.  No one expected him to last as long as he has.  Either way, I will stay in touch with his wife, who feels more like a friend than a patient family member.

The rest of my patients I will turn over to other nurses easily.   I will miss co-workers and the comraderie that comes with working on a team.  I will not miss being on-call!

We have some exciting retirement plans that I plan to chronicle in another blog: Two For The Road - about living on the road in an RV.  I will likely still post here for a while, but think I will eventually transition to Two For The Road.

You may notice that my "About Me" and its accompanying photo has changed.  This is to better fit with the new blog...hoping Jack will post some there too!

A Terrifying Experience...or...Remind Me Again Why I Do This Job.

Looks like I've already missed an entire month of 2013!  Life is too busy right now and not all for the good. 

This job is high stress.  I have attended three deaths in five days...some sadder than others.  Helping the families/loved ones through this time can be very rewarding and I usually like this part of the job...though I would prefer not so many in one week.  Sometimes, when I have gotten attached to a patient and/or family, the death can feel like a personal loss.  Even when it is not, it sometimes reminds me of a loss of my own or reminds me how very fragile life is.

Then there are the increased needs or crises; responding to those throws a monkeywrench into whatever patient visits I had lined up for the day.  It can make for a very harrowing week, such as the one that is slowly coming to an end. Every day started or ended with an unexpected problem, leaving me struggling to catch up until only a few minutes ago.

But, for me, the worst is being on-call, which occurs every Wednesday night and every third weekend.  Sitting on tenterhooks, dreading the phone ringing and jumping every time it does...especially at 2AM.  I am on-call this weekend and my stress is palable.  There are weekends with very few calls and weekends with dozens, requiring one to put in twenty or more hours working over the course of two days...following and preceding a forty-hour work week, of course.

This past week included a terrifying (for me) evening.  I was trying to help out and offered to cover only two hours of call for a sick on-call nurse.  After three calls in less than an hour, the third call required a visit.  I headed out to see a patient I didn't know who lived about twenty miles out "in the country" and used my faithful GPS to find my way.  I was doing pretty well until it instructed me to turn right...onto a dirt road.  I made the turn and my GPS indicated I was on the correct road.  The road was narrow and rutted, lined with woods and thickets on each side and twisted and turned in every direction.  The night and the area was black as can be.  I could see nothing behind me and only as far as my headlights in front of me. I questioned this road, but kept going as the GPS showed I was correct and only one half mile from my destination.   About this time I came to a large puddle; as there was no way to turn around or back up, I stupidly ventured across it...and found myself stuck in about two feet of water!  My first reaction was to be terrified and when I felt the water coming up over my feet the terror turned to panic!  I scrambled over the console to the higher, passenger side of the car and took stock.  I was stranded in my car, in the middle of nowhere, in pitch black darkness with water seeping in...and no one, including me, knew quite where I was!

I called the nurse I was supposed to be helping out, who lives in the area, and told her my situation.  She was huddled under blankets and throwing up regularly, but rose to the occasion.  After I calmed down and answered a number of her questions, she figured out where I probably was...and told me to keep my doors closed as this was swampy area!  She sent her husband and father-in-law out to look for me.  The time I spent waiting in that dark, cold, wet car seemed interminable.  The headlights I finally saw in my rearview mirror were the most beautiful sight I had seen in a very long time!  The two men were able to pull my car out of the water and eventually get it back to the paved road.  Miraculously, it was still running and I was able to drive it home under my own (wet, muddy) power.  It is a smelly mess!

It was only after I got home that I began to realize how much worse it could have been.  I was lucky that my friend was able to figure out where I was stranded, and luckier still that I even had a cell phone signal to make the call, as there are so many rural areas around here where it is impossible to get a signal.

As I said earlier...a terrifying evening from which I am still (emotionally) recovering.  I'm getting too old for this kind of excitement!

Catching Up...Part III ~ A Job

On June 6, 2012, after two years, 3 months and 25 days of unemployment (but who's counting), I started working again.  Over that course of time, I applied for nearly one hundred jobs...and the one I got was one I didn't actually apply for!

I received a call from a head hunter, uh...I mean recruiter, asking me if I would be interested in a management position with a Hospice.  Now management is not really my forte but, if they wanted to talk to me, I was game.  After a few more phone calls, I went for an interview.  The interview went well and one of the interviewers (Gene) really seemed to like me...but I didn't get that position.  A few weeks later Gene emailed asking if I would be interested in talking about another position  I went to a different office and interviewed with Sabrina.  She seemed to like me and said she'd call in a couple of weeks.  I waited for weeks on end without hearing anything and finally wrote it off as another job that went to someone else.  About that time I got a phone call from Sabrina's manager, Jessica, just returning from maternity leave.  She said she'd heard good things about me and could I come in an talk with her...a third interview!  Two days after that interview she called with a job offer.  I almost couldn't believe it, perfect timing since my unemployment had just run out!

I have been a Hospice Case Manager for a bit more than six months now.  I work with good people and have learned a lot in that time.  Hospice is like no other type of nursing.  No one gets better, all our patients are on the road to death.  My job is to make that journey a little easier, for both the patient and his/her family.  My experiences will likely be the subject of future blog posts! 

The best part of the job...a regular paycheck.  I'd almost forgotten how nice it is to have money!

Ruminating...

So much for resolving to post more often. My last post was over a month ago! Sometimes I have so much on my mind I just don't know what I want to say...and I wish my mind had an "off" switch.

There's a lot going on in the world lately and, although I have opinions and strong feelings, I'm tired of all the politics. The ever present race for the GOP nomination from a field of clowns. A surge of activism...with Occupy Wall Street as the latest. Qaddafi toppled and dead. Health care reform, rescuing Social Security, same-sex marriage. Seems people are talking of nothing else; everyone's got their opinion and no one is changing anyone's mind. One is either preaching to the choir or ones words are falling on dead ears.

Still, I have lots of my own problems. No job for starters. I've applied for nearly eighty jobs in the last twenty months to no avail. Since I'm no longer making a mortgage payment, my unemployment covers bills and living expenses for now - but I'm not sure how much longer that will last. Once that stops, I will be scrounging. At which point I will have to look for anything...even if it only pays minimum wage. There's health insurance or the lack thereof. COBRA ran out over two months ago and, although I am in reasonably good health, apparently I am too high risk to insure. Hate to think about people who have serious health problems. Then, of course, there is the aforementioned mortgage that I'm no longer paying and the inevitable foreclosure, along with the myriad of issues that brings forth. It's enough to make one crazy..and depressed.

More and more, in the interests of preserving my mental health, I take the ostrich approach and focus my energies on the upside of my life. My kids, grandkids, other family, and Jack.

August Already?

My gosh...we're nearly half way through August!  Still no real job, but signed up with an agency to work flu-shot clinics this fall - so maybe an opportunity for some money.  The routine job hunting continues as always.

Jack and I have dinner plans tomorrow with a girl from my high school - and her husband.  After forty-three years I suppose I shouldn't be referring to her as a girl, though that's what she was the last time I saw her!  Funny how time changes perspective...though we were not close in high school, we are both excited and looking forward to seeing each other tomorrow.  We reconnected via Facebook.  Her husband is a car racing enthusiast as is Jack, so I am hoping the men will find common ground for conversation.

Saturday, Glen arrives for a visit - his first in a year.  I am looking forward to introducing him to Jack and just having time to visit!

Down the August road - more house guests and meeting Jack's sister...

Same Old Same Old...

The job interview went well and I was excited about the propspects - until they called today to tell me the job went to another candidate.  Such simple words to dash ones hopes.  I was highly qualified for this job; it is exactly what I have been doing for most of my career.  The person who got the job may also be highy qualified, but why her and not me?  What was her edge?  It's hard not to let this stuff get me down.  I've been looking and appying for almost eighteen months.  I've been either ignored or not selected at least forty to fifty times in the last year and a half.  I'm tired of feelings of inadequacy; I'm tired of feeling rejected or ignored; I'm tired of the chipping away at my confidence in my abilities.  I'm tired of being tired.

It"s getting old and so am I.

Updates Here and There...

Still waiting to hear about the job.  Called the recruiter in HR and got voice mail - hung up without leaving a message.  Yes, I know that was wimpy.  I'll try again tomorrow.  The waiting is killing me, but I'm almost afraid to find out because my hopes may be dashed.  Every job I don't get is one less option available to me - or at least that's how it feels.

My Sunday dinner to introduce Jack to my daughter, son-in-law and grandkids went well.  The food was good - so everyone said - and conversation was fine.  Though Jack was nervous (he said) he interacted nicely with everyone; I was proud to show him off.  Everyone seemed to like him well enough and he seemed to like them.

Well, I am officially one month in arrears on my mortgage.  The bank calls every day...five or six times if I don't answer.  Talked to them today and exlained my situation.  I got a few "I'm sorry" platitudes and several useless suggestions as to how I could get them their money.
The woman at the other end of the phone asked if I had any relatives who could help.  I expressed dismay that she would expect my children to pay my bills when they were busy trying to support their own children.
Then she asked if I had considered renting out a room.  I replied that I'd considered that, but that it would only net me about a fifth of the mortgage payment so why bother.
She replied that I might find work.  I said I was still looking, but at sixty plus and after 18 months without a job, I asked what she thought my odds were.
She asked if I have any income at all.  I told her I had a few more months of unemployment.  She asked how much that is.  I told her and said it is equal to my mortgage payment, which leaves nothing for electricity or food.  I asked if she was suggesting I give up either.
She suggested that I could get hardship permission to tap my 401K.  I said, "You want me to use what little retirement money I have to try and save a house I can't afford so that I can be destitute and eat cat food when I'm seventy?"
She suggested I contact a realtor.  I told her I had and that I would have twenty thousand dollars in out of pocket costs.  She suggested a short sale.  I told her I had considered it but had been told that the bank wouldn't be likely to approve it if I have retirement money in the bank.  She said she didn't know about that.
I think she must have reached the end of her list of suggestions because she finished up by telling me that since I am still in arrears I can expect to get "follow up" calls daily and wished me a nice day...  

My Week in Review...

Okay, I had a great birthday dinner and ice cream with Katie on Tuesday.  It amazes me just how grown she is becoming.

The dentist on Wednesday wasn't quite as bad as I expected and I have an appointment to get the the rest of the work in a few weeks.  Maybe my teeth will last me a lifetime after all.

Thursday's interview went well and the job sounds pretty decent for a hospital job.  The manager said she thought I'd fit in well on the unit.  She had one more interview to do Friday then would make a decision.  I feel like I've got a good shot at it - but one never knows anymore.  Recruiting promised I'd hear something one way or the other this week. 
The hospital is exactly one hundred sixteen miles from my front door and thirty-nine miles from Jack's front door.  We talked about it and Jack is okay with my commuting from his place.  I'm trying not to let my mind run rampant with "what if" plans for the future.

I hate the waiting...  

A Busy Week...

This is a bit of a busy week coming up - busy by my standards, though I'm sure not busy by daughter Rebecca's "busy-mom-of-two" standards.

Drove back to Wilmington today after a weekend in New Bern with Jack and arrived just in time for an appointment with Rusty, my financial advisor.  Rusty's a sweet thirty-something young man who pays me lots of attention and is helping me plan for retirement - something I should have started decades ago!  Turns out I have a bit more set aside than I thought and he has some good ideas for pulling a small monthly income out of it to supplement Social Security.  If I can wait until age sixty-six to retire, I might be able to make it on my own if I keep it very simple - if I am not alone I will be in good shape.  If I have to retire at age sixty-two, I can only make it if I have a life partner to share expenses.  Not great news, but it helps to have a realistic picture of the future.  Rusty is fully behind my plan to walk away from my house.  He says it makes perfect sense for me.

Tomorrow - the summer solstice -  my beautiful granddaughter Katie turns seven.  She's already had a beach party with friends; tomorrow will be dinner with family at a restaurant of her choice followed by homemade ice cream at Boombalatti's!  It's hard to believe she's seven years old already - the time's gone by so fast.  She's becoming an amazing young girl.

Wednesday is the first of my upcoming appointments for dental work.  It will be an uncomfortable and expensive afternoon!  Thursday I have the job interview at Carteret Hospital.  That will be interesting and stressful as it can affect several areas of my life - or change nothing at all.

Finally comes the weekend.  Jack and I will spend it together as we usually do...with one change.  Becca, Davis and the kids are coming for Sunday dinner and Jack will finally meet them.  

By my standards, a very busy week... 

Pro or Con...?

Last night I lamented my current situation.  Today I get a phone call responding to a job application I sent in last month.  Carteret General Hospital wants to interview me.  I have an appointment next week.  Now, I have been in the job market long enough to know that an interview does not equal a job, but it is a step in the right direction.

Twelve hour day shifts on a surgical unit - day shift is good, but that will encompass some weekends and holidays, not so good - but, I've done it before and can do it again.  The money and the benefits are likely to be reasonably good.  More pros than cons, but no point weighing pros and cons until after I've been interviewed and offered the position.  There is really just one major pro vs con.  Carteret Hospital is two hours away from here...but only thirty or so minutes from Jack.

Is that a pro or a con...? 

What's Next???

My thirteen week work contract lasted three weeks.  Seems they decided they didn't need a nurse after all - or maybe they just didn't want me.  Either way (and it appears I'll never really know for sure) they backed out of the contract.  So here I am, once again, unemployed and at-large.

The agency that hired me is looking for another spot for me, but I do not want to travel outside a radius that will allow me to live either at home or at Jack's, so there may not be much available.  I like having time to myself again, but it was really nice having an income for a little while.  Funny what a boost that is to ones self-esteem.  Now I am back to weighing every expenditure and depending on savings.

In the interim I learned that my unemployment benefit year has ended.  When my original twenty-six weeks ended, I moved into emergency benefits and need to keep those.  Fortunately I was able to take care of that and get benefits restarted with a phone call.  One goes through four tiers of emergency benefits before they end and I am in Tier 2, so for now I still have unemployment benefits.

One thing I've learned over the years is that life constantly changes from one minute to the next.  A month ago I was unemployed, last week I had a good paying job, this week I am jobless again; who knows what tomorrow - or next week - will bring...

Perspective...

I made a home visit the other day to see a sweet male patient who is about seventy-five.  When I removed my hearing aids to put the stethoscope in my ears, he commented that I was awfully young to be wearing hearing aids.  I smiled and asked him how old he thought I was.  He lookied intently at my face for a few seconds then answered, "Oh about forty-eight."  Thanking him for the compliment, I told him I am sixty-one.  His reply: "You're damn near as old as I am!"

First Week of Work...

Finished my first week of work.  It's a long drive - sixty-eight miles from my house and fifty miles from Jack's - each way.  Then on the road throughout the day seeing patients.  Right now I'm riding with one of the nurses...Billie Jo.  She's showing me the ropes and we are getting along well.  I like spending the days with her.  It's a tiny office with very few people and no computers - I'm having to learn paper charting all over again!

After a year of leisure, getting up and going each day is exhausting but I'm sure I will get used to it.  I  do miss my free time but I like being able to use my skills again.  I am also enjoying the fact that I can spend lots of time at Jack's.  That's a real bonus.  Think going back with a thirteen week contract was a good move.  I have an end point to look forward to....a vacation.

One week down, twelve to go... 

A Birthday Gift...

Got a call from a recruiter last week - on my birthday as a matter of fact - she found my resume online.  After a flurry of phone calls and faxes and with a little help from my friends, everything started to fall into place and I start work tomorrow!

I have a thirteen week contract doing home health nursing in a small town about seventy miles from home (but only fifty miles from that new man in my life).  I'm a bit nervous as I haven't worked in over a year, but excited too.  Hope it all comes back to me!

On Being Unemployed...

Unless one lives in a cave...or on another planet, the economy is the story.  Joblessness is at an all time high, foreclosures are rampant and a majority of people are "upside down" on their mortgages.  We all know someone who has been affected.

I am one.  I got "laid off" a year ago.  Was told that the company numbers couldn't justify two RNs in our department and I was being let go.  It sounds like they are doing you a favor, we're "letting" you go...so much nicer than "you don't have a job anymore."

Being unemployed evokes so many different emotions.  Disbelief, hurt, anger, fear, for starters.  It deflates one's confidence and shatters self-esteem.  I am useless, no one values me, I contribute nothing, I accomplish nothing.  I send in resume after resume, apply to job after job...most don't even bother to reply.  A few say thanks but no thanks and fewer sill want an interview.  The phrase one hears most often is "the response was huge."  It is one rejection after another, "We have selected another candidate."  You get close sometimes, but success is elusive.

Then there are the financial worries.  Unemployment is available as well as the much welcomed emergency extensions, but it isn't equivilent to lost income and doesn't cover all the bills...so every month the hole gets a bit deeper.  I own a home but, like most people today, I bought when the market was high and am now upside down.  Renting would be less costly, but selling is not an option.

There are upsides.  Plenty of free time and flexibility, no alarm clocks...a leisurely life with time for family, travel and activities.  I've done lots of traveling over the past year, entertained houseguests and spent quality time with my grandkids...and enjoyed it all.

Sometimes I like not having to go to work; other times I am quite bored and lonely.  I often worry about money...how deep is the hole getting...what happens when my health insurance comes to an end?  I notice that my confidence in my ability to do a job is waning and I don't like that.  I've always been proud of my ability to support myself and now that's no longer true; something else I don't like.

I'm entering the second tier of emergency unemployment benefits, trying to enjoy my life, visiting doctors while my COBRA is still in effect, submitting resumes and applications...and keeping hope alive.