Life Cut Short...

I am weary of death. I saw far too many people die while I was working hospice, and comforted so many loved ones.  I still think about them all. On occasion, something requires that we return to New Bern and, as we drive past various streets, I remember those whose deaths I attended. Some had lived to a ripe old age and some were still young. Each death was a loss, but a few had become special to me and I felt those losses the most.

In the last year I have lost three friends of varying degrees of friendship. All in their early sixties...far too young...far too soon.

The one year anniversary of Kathy's death is nearing. I blogged about losing Kathy some months ago. She was only 61 and left behind two children in grad school...just entering adulthood. She will never see them walk across a stage and receive their degrees.  She will never have the pleasure of watching them marry, mature and enjoy some of life's successes. She will never know the pure joy of holding a grandchild and all that follows.  We will never have the opportunity to hug one another. She will be missing so much and we will be missing her.

Ann was one of my closest friends when I lived in Miami. We lived two doors away from each other and had boys the same age who became fast friends. Rarely did a day pass that we didn't spend time together. I moved 800 miles away when our boys were 9, by then she'd had a daughter about two years younger than mine. We stayed in touch, but the friendship slowly receded into the past. In recent years  Facebook helped us reconnect. Then, in June of this year, she messaged me.  The breast cancer she'd beaten over twenty-five years ago had come back and, while it responded to treatment for a couple of years, she was not winning the battle. She said she wished I was there, that she would be needing hospice soon. She was tired of fighting and wanted to die on her own terms. She said she was almost ready to stop treatment and that she was scared. We talked for a while and I gave her my cell number. She never called. Six weeks later she passed quietly. She was 66 and had three small grandchildren on two coasts who will grow up without their grandma.

Lynn was one of the beautiful girls in high school. We were not close friends but our school was all-girls and our class small enough that everyone was friendly. I learned that she was a beloved kindergarten teacher for many years. Our graduating class began reconnecting on Facebook about five years ago. It was surprising how we felt a kinship, we are TMLA sisters (TMLA being an acronym for our high school). I saw Lynn three years ago at a reunion luncheon she helped plan. She was still one of the beautiful girls. This year was our 45th reunion. Although she still lived in the area, Lynn RSVP'd that she could not attend, that she had been diagnosed with ALS and had lost her ability to speak and to eat. It was a blow to all of us. Lou Gehrig's Disease is vicious...making you a prisoner in your own body before it kills you. Lynn bravely carried on as the disease robbed her of more and more function until she was a prisoner. A week ago her daughter-in-law announced that Lynn's quality of life had deteriorated to near non-existent and that Lynn had made the decision to discontinue her tube feedings. She died Friday, leaving behind her mother, her husband, her son and daughter-in-law and a slew of former students, friends and TMLA sisters. She was 63.

Kathy's death was unexpected, with no opportunity for anyone to say goodbye. Ann and Lynn had the opportunity to say goodbye to their families as they made courageous decisions to let go. I don't know if I could be that brave...and I hope I never have to find out.  

Retired...

First day I didn't have to go to work!  Got up, drove to Wilmington and spent the day with my grandkids...something I've greatly missed.  They were both delighted to hear that Grandma is finished working.  It was fun and tiring, and I'm looking forward to more days like it.  Tomorrow will be a lazy day.  I turn 63 tomorrow.  I don't know how I got here...20s...30s...40s...then boom, 63!  I don't feel old, but it sounds old.  Wish life had do-overs!  Anyway, tomorrow's my birthday and I'm going to chill.

Work ended with a bang.  Busy on call weekend, two deaths and I was out all Sunday night.  Both families were very nice and told me I really helped them get through this most difficult time.  I left feeling that I've made a difference in people's lives.

Have a bunch of things to do next week, then off we go.  Heading to Indiana to pick up our new fifth wheel RV.  The adventure begins...

Late Night Thoughts...

Having one of those nights when I can't sleep...just can't turn my mind off.

Two more weeks of work left (plus a final on-call weekend), then the paychecks stop.  So does the health insurance.  Going to have to file for my Social Security.  Need to find out about COBRA insurance, but have serious doubts about whether I can afford it.  Two years until I am eligible for Medicare.  My Social Security alone isn't going to be enough to subsist on.  Jack will have his VA benefit and Social Security...but he will also have alimony to pay.  Still waiting to see what happens re: his ex's health insurance.  Will be a real kick in the teeth if he is forced to pay for hers while I can't afford any!  Worried that the courts may take half his income for her...she could end up with more income than he has!  Men do not fare well in this state when it comes to divorce.

We are getting ready to make a huge life change.  It is exciting to contemplate, but scary too.  Wondering what expenses will be like and how well we will be able to manage.  Live safe or take a chance?  We are opting to take a chance. I do fine with some risks, but financial risks are hard for me.  We could try and live a quiet, safe life in Wilmington.  I would be near Becca and my beloved Katie and Jackson, but we wouldn't have much going on in our life.  It's not likely there would be money for travel once we paid all our basic living expenses.  I don't want to waste away on the couch.  So we are opting to take a chance...take the risk...and put adventure into our later years.  Exciting but scary.

Keeps me awake some nights... 

Time to Retire

The stress has gotten to me.  Eleven deaths in about two weeks, five in one day, two on-call nights that had me out all night long!  It is time to retire!  My last day is April 1, 2013...three months ahead of plan.  I feel such a relief and am counting the days (19) until then.  I am excited and terrified.

Excited about the prospects of retirement and our plans to travel.  Terrified at the prospect of a greatly reduced income.  I keep telling myself - "It's only money."  There comes a time, I think, when one has to rearrange priorities.  This is the time.

Went to a funeral today.  My favorite patient died a bit unexpectedly.  I had mixed feelings about leaving him when I retire.  On one hand, because I was like part of the family, I didn't want to have to go through his death with him; on the other hand, I didn't want someone else to be there at that most difficult time of life.  He took care of it for me, by taking a sudden downturn last weekend and dying Monday morning.  It was my job to pronounce him.  I will miss our weekly visits and will likely stop in to see his wife down the road.

I have one other favorite patient...we will have to see what happens with him.  No one expected him to last as long as he has.  Either way, I will stay in touch with his wife, who feels more like a friend than a patient family member.

The rest of my patients I will turn over to other nurses easily.   I will miss co-workers and the comraderie that comes with working on a team.  I will not miss being on-call!

We have some exciting retirement plans that I plan to chronicle in another blog: Two For The Road - about living on the road in an RV.  I will likely still post here for a while, but think I will eventually transition to Two For The Road.

You may notice that my "About Me" and its accompanying photo has changed.  This is to better fit with the new blog...hoping Jack will post some there too!

Catching Up...Part I

Well, my last post was welcoming in 2012 and here we are almost ready to welcome in 2013.  I was starting a new chapter in my life and wanted to document it but, as it turns out, there really is life after sixty and I got too busy living it to find time to write about it.  I'm going to play catch up now and see if we can't finish out 2012 before 2013 arrives!

JANUARY
January was get ready to move month.  Got a lot of smaller but vital things moved up to New Bern, ordered new bedroom furniture for Jack's and my new life together, bought airline tickets for California and found a new home for my kitties. 

Jack's lease on the townhouse does not allow cats, so my kitties were not going to be able to make the move with me.  It was fortunate that I adopted them from a rescue group and was able to return them to the group when I could no longer keep them.  I gave them about six weeks notice and they were able to find a foster home for them where they could stay together.  Giving them back was a very hard thing for me to do.

Jack had some bouts of cold feet during this time, but worked them out and the move went forward.  I didn't know until much later how difficult this commitment was for him.  The actual move-in date for furniture got pushed ahead several times and didn't happen until early March, but the last night I spent in my house was about three days before Christmas.  To this day, I never quite know what to say when someone asks how long we've lived together!

FEBRUARY & MARCH
February brought only a rather disappointing Valentine's Day...next year's will be better...and some serious health problems for my brother, Glen.  He suffered his first attack of Congestive Heart Failure, followed by a second, finally culminating in open heart surgery in March.  As this is all catch up rather than real time, I can say that he is now doing fine, but it was a long and difficult road.  I spent more time in Greenboro the month of March than I did in New Bern.  It was very scary to consider the possibility of losing my brother.  It also caused some strained feelings towards baby brother Ken.  I know he loves Glen and would have been devastated to lose him, but I was disappointed in the amount of time he was able to allocate to helping Glen during this time.  Fortunately, Glen has some very good friends and support at Unity Church who pitched in to help with animal care, visits, food and household chores.

During one of my many visits to Greensboro I ran into an ex-husband - Bud...husband number two.  He was at the hospital for a job interview and we had lunch together.  It was a nice visit.

Jack and I celebrated an annivarsary at the end of March. One year together as a couple.  It was a year full of ups and downs, but ended on an up.  Jack came home from work with roses, the first I had ever received from him, and sweet cards.  Then we went out for a romantic dinner at Morgan's Tavern, a place we particularly like.  It was a great anniversary celebration!

APRIL
April brought my sixty-second birthday, not a milestone, just another birthday.  I learned that Jack was not accustomed to giving birthday gifts and he learned that I AM accustomed to getting them.  Next year will be a better birthday...he promised!  I did have a great birthday celebration with Becca,Davis, Katie and Jackson!

The bedroom furniture I ordered in January finally arrived from High Point at the end of April.  It was, and is, beautiful and we are both happy with it.  Good thing as it is probably the last bedroom furniture we will ever have!  One of the downsides of getting older...realizing that your are approaching "lasts' in your life.

We went to California in April, but I will leave the details of that trip for my next installment.  It was a good trip overall, but heralded the start of a summer of medical issues for Jack.

Stay tuned...

New Year, New Beginning...

Well, three weeks into the the New Year and I'm getting used to it being 2012.

I will turn sixty-two this year, which means I will be eligible for Social Security benefits, should I want to take them.  It rather boggles my mind.  I've never been able to imagine being old enough for SS - it's always felt like it was off in the distant future.  Realizing it is upon me is a bit of a reality shock!

No New Year's resolutions for me.  I've never had any luck with them.  While, in one respect, the New Year can feel like a beginning, in most ways, it just feels like a continuation of winter...and I usually can't find any good reason to want to "turn over a new leaf".

This year the New Year actually is a beginning; it is ushering in the start of a new chapter in my life.  I am moving...to a new life in a new city (town?)...moving in with Jack, into his townhouse in New Bern.  Seventy-five miles and ninety minutes from home...and from Becca, Katie and Jackson.  I never expected to move even a short distance from them, so this is a good indicator of how much building a life with Jack means to me.  I'm going to miss them a lot and plan to make that drive between New Bern and Wilmington on a regular basis.  I'm going to miss Wilmington too.  New Bern is quite lacking in things to do, places to go, and good restaurants; Wilmington, on the other hand, lacks Jack!  It is a temporary move, to be sure, only until Jack retires in the next two to three years...then we will return to Wilmington.

I may be nearing sixty-two, but falling in love makes me feel more like twenty-two.  Right now life feels good and I'm happy.      

Ruminating...

So much for resolving to post more often. My last post was over a month ago! Sometimes I have so much on my mind I just don't know what I want to say...and I wish my mind had an "off" switch.

There's a lot going on in the world lately and, although I have opinions and strong feelings, I'm tired of all the politics. The ever present race for the GOP nomination from a field of clowns. A surge of activism...with Occupy Wall Street as the latest. Qaddafi toppled and dead. Health care reform, rescuing Social Security, same-sex marriage. Seems people are talking of nothing else; everyone's got their opinion and no one is changing anyone's mind. One is either preaching to the choir or ones words are falling on dead ears.

Still, I have lots of my own problems. No job for starters. I've applied for nearly eighty jobs in the last twenty months to no avail. Since I'm no longer making a mortgage payment, my unemployment covers bills and living expenses for now - but I'm not sure how much longer that will last. Once that stops, I will be scrounging. At which point I will have to look for anything...even if it only pays minimum wage. There's health insurance or the lack thereof. COBRA ran out over two months ago and, although I am in reasonably good health, apparently I am too high risk to insure. Hate to think about people who have serious health problems. Then, of course, there is the aforementioned mortgage that I'm no longer paying and the inevitable foreclosure, along with the myriad of issues that brings forth. It's enough to make one crazy..and depressed.

More and more, in the interests of preserving my mental health, I take the ostrich approach and focus my energies on the upside of my life. My kids, grandkids, other family, and Jack.

Turning Five and Growing Older...

We are reaching the end of summer and moving towards a new year.  Felt the first nip of fall these last few days and, while summer weather is not gone for good (eighty degree temps will return later in the week), it always feels good the first time I have to put on jeans or a shirt with sleeves! 

Jackson turns five tomorrow.  Seems so recently that he was an infant being rocked to sleep in Grandma's arms.  Now I can barely lift him!  His party yesterday was themed around Cars 2...his favorite movie and primary passion!   

Becca baked him an absolutely beautiful cake.  She has a wonderful creative streak.  I know she didn't get it from me and her father is equally uncreative.  Maybe it goes back a generation or two.  Tomorrow the family will go out for dinner at a restaurant of Jackson's choosing.  Katie always chooses places that have good food...Jackson's choice is McDonalds!

Seems my posts are less frequent and all I do is marvel over the passage of time.  Someone once told me that once we reach the fifteenth of the month, the month is essentially over.  I'm noticing this seems to be true.  I'm going to make an effort to post on here a bit more often - before life passes right by me!

August Already?

My gosh...we're nearly half way through August!  Still no real job, but signed up with an agency to work flu-shot clinics this fall - so maybe an opportunity for some money.  The routine job hunting continues as always.

Jack and I have dinner plans tomorrow with a girl from my high school - and her husband.  After forty-three years I suppose I shouldn't be referring to her as a girl, though that's what she was the last time I saw her!  Funny how time changes perspective...though we were not close in high school, we are both excited and looking forward to seeing each other tomorrow.  We reconnected via Facebook.  Her husband is a car racing enthusiast as is Jack, so I am hoping the men will find common ground for conversation.

Saturday, Glen arrives for a visit - his first in a year.  I am looking forward to introducing him to Jack and just having time to visit!

Down the August road - more house guests and meeting Jack's sister...

Motherhood...

Thirty-eight years ago tonight I became a mother for the first time.  At 11:37 PM to be exact.  I was twenty-three years old and as naive as any twenty-three year old could be.  I had no idea what lay ahead.  I was tired and sore from pushing a nine pound baby out of my petite body; every second of the experience indelibly etched into my memory.   I can remember that it was painful, but I can no longer remember what the pain felt like.  Natural childbirth was still in the pioneer stages and I was proud to be a participant.

Now I feel like an old hand at motherhood.  I've raised two babies into adulthood and have two grandchildren.  I can see the many mistakes I made and recognize good parenting when I see it.  The things that scared me the most turned out to be insignificant and the really big stuff sometimes sneaked by.  There is an old saying to the effect that when children are small they step on a mother's toes and when they are grown they step on her heart.  I saw the veracity of that increase as the years went by.

I found a sentiment in a Hallmark card when my daughter was pregnant that said, "Motherhood is having your heart walk around outside your body."  An excellent description if there ever was one - nothing can bring greater joy or greater pain than motherhood.  When her children are cut, a mother bleeds; when they are hurt, she cries; when they are happy, she feels joy;  when they remember her, she is euphoric; when they forget, she is anguished and if their lives should be cut short, she dies.  Only in Motherhood does unconditional love truly exist.

I have learned much over the years, made mistakes galore, loved with all my heart and then some and had my heart pierced a time or two.  It's a thankless job with great rewards and, while I would do a few things differently if given the chance, I wouldn't trade the experience for all the riches in the world.

Same Old Same Old...

The job interview went well and I was excited about the propspects - until they called today to tell me the job went to another candidate.  Such simple words to dash ones hopes.  I was highly qualified for this job; it is exactly what I have been doing for most of my career.  The person who got the job may also be highy qualified, but why her and not me?  What was her edge?  It's hard not to let this stuff get me down.  I've been looking and appying for almost eighteen months.  I've been either ignored or not selected at least forty to fifty times in the last year and a half.  I'm tired of feelings of inadequacy; I'm tired of feeling rejected or ignored; I'm tired of the chipping away at my confidence in my abilities.  I'm tired of being tired.

It"s getting old and so am I.

Updates Here and There...

Still waiting to hear about the job.  Called the recruiter in HR and got voice mail - hung up without leaving a message.  Yes, I know that was wimpy.  I'll try again tomorrow.  The waiting is killing me, but I'm almost afraid to find out because my hopes may be dashed.  Every job I don't get is one less option available to me - or at least that's how it feels.

My Sunday dinner to introduce Jack to my daughter, son-in-law and grandkids went well.  The food was good - so everyone said - and conversation was fine.  Though Jack was nervous (he said) he interacted nicely with everyone; I was proud to show him off.  Everyone seemed to like him well enough and he seemed to like them.

Well, I am officially one month in arrears on my mortgage.  The bank calls every day...five or six times if I don't answer.  Talked to them today and exlained my situation.  I got a few "I'm sorry" platitudes and several useless suggestions as to how I could get them their money.
The woman at the other end of the phone asked if I had any relatives who could help.  I expressed dismay that she would expect my children to pay my bills when they were busy trying to support their own children.
Then she asked if I had considered renting out a room.  I replied that I'd considered that, but that it would only net me about a fifth of the mortgage payment so why bother.
She replied that I might find work.  I said I was still looking, but at sixty plus and after 18 months without a job, I asked what she thought my odds were.
She asked if I have any income at all.  I told her I had a few more months of unemployment.  She asked how much that is.  I told her and said it is equal to my mortgage payment, which leaves nothing for electricity or food.  I asked if she was suggesting I give up either.
She suggested that I could get hardship permission to tap my 401K.  I said, "You want me to use what little retirement money I have to try and save a house I can't afford so that I can be destitute and eat cat food when I'm seventy?"
She suggested I contact a realtor.  I told her I had and that I would have twenty thousand dollars in out of pocket costs.  She suggested a short sale.  I told her I had considered it but had been told that the bank wouldn't be likely to approve it if I have retirement money in the bank.  She said she didn't know about that.
I think she must have reached the end of her list of suggestions because she finished up by telling me that since I am still in arrears I can expect to get "follow up" calls daily and wished me a nice day...  

My Week in Review...

Okay, I had a great birthday dinner and ice cream with Katie on Tuesday.  It amazes me just how grown she is becoming.

The dentist on Wednesday wasn't quite as bad as I expected and I have an appointment to get the the rest of the work in a few weeks.  Maybe my teeth will last me a lifetime after all.

Thursday's interview went well and the job sounds pretty decent for a hospital job.  The manager said she thought I'd fit in well on the unit.  She had one more interview to do Friday then would make a decision.  I feel like I've got a good shot at it - but one never knows anymore.  Recruiting promised I'd hear something one way or the other this week. 
The hospital is exactly one hundred sixteen miles from my front door and thirty-nine miles from Jack's front door.  We talked about it and Jack is okay with my commuting from his place.  I'm trying not to let my mind run rampant with "what if" plans for the future.

I hate the waiting...  

A Busy Week...

This is a bit of a busy week coming up - busy by my standards, though I'm sure not busy by daughter Rebecca's "busy-mom-of-two" standards.

Drove back to Wilmington today after a weekend in New Bern with Jack and arrived just in time for an appointment with Rusty, my financial advisor.  Rusty's a sweet thirty-something young man who pays me lots of attention and is helping me plan for retirement - something I should have started decades ago!  Turns out I have a bit more set aside than I thought and he has some good ideas for pulling a small monthly income out of it to supplement Social Security.  If I can wait until age sixty-six to retire, I might be able to make it on my own if I keep it very simple - if I am not alone I will be in good shape.  If I have to retire at age sixty-two, I can only make it if I have a life partner to share expenses.  Not great news, but it helps to have a realistic picture of the future.  Rusty is fully behind my plan to walk away from my house.  He says it makes perfect sense for me.

Tomorrow - the summer solstice -  my beautiful granddaughter Katie turns seven.  She's already had a beach party with friends; tomorrow will be dinner with family at a restaurant of her choice followed by homemade ice cream at Boombalatti's!  It's hard to believe she's seven years old already - the time's gone by so fast.  She's becoming an amazing young girl.

Wednesday is the first of my upcoming appointments for dental work.  It will be an uncomfortable and expensive afternoon!  Thursday I have the job interview at Carteret Hospital.  That will be interesting and stressful as it can affect several areas of my life - or change nothing at all.

Finally comes the weekend.  Jack and I will spend it together as we usually do...with one change.  Becca, Davis and the kids are coming for Sunday dinner and Jack will finally meet them.  

By my standards, a very busy week... 

If...

I find myself in a place I could never have conceived of a few years ago.  Always thought I knew where my life was going.  At this age, I'd be nearing a milestone wedding anniversary, enjoying the grandchildren and planning retirement with my husband.  I came to terms with divorces, remarriages and relationships a long time ago, but anticipated that everything else would remain stable.  How wrong could one woman be???

Sometimes it feels like my world is shattering around me.  I have been unemployed for sixteen months and prospects are dim.  In two more months my health insurance runs out, but I'm three and a half years away from Medicare.  My unemployment will end in four months and, unless a job turns up, I will be without income.  I can draw Social Security at age sixty-two, in ten months, but it will be a reduced amount and not enough to live on.  My plan was always to wait until full retirement age of sixty-six to begin drawing but I won't be there for another four and a half years.  There is always the option of trying to find a low level job which will give me some income but, again, not enough to live on.  I can also try to purchase private health insurance but it is expensive - especially for someone with hypertension and little income

As my previous post (Requiem for an American Dream) explains, I can't afford to keep my house.  I missed my first mortgage payment this month.  Judging by others' experiences, I should be able to continue living here at least six more months, but I will eventually have to leave.  Where will I go?  My daughter has reassured me that I can live with her if necessary, but that is not something either one of us wants to see happen - though it was a comfort to hear her say that and I love her for it.

It is scary to have the future so uncertain, to have no idea where I will live or how I will support myself.  If I can land a good job with good benefits I would be okay.  If my current relationship works out and if we were to move in together and share expenses I would be okay and happy.  If I were to win the lottery...

If is a very big word...

Requiem for the American Dream...

It's official.  I can't afford to sell my house.  These are not words I ever imagined would make sense in my lifetime.

I bought my house four years ago.  It was a stretch for me.  Not the first house I'd ever owned, but the first house I ever owned by myself - without the help of a husband.  I was uncertain about the move, but proud of myself for accomplishing it.  If it turned out that owning a house alone was too much to handle I could always sell it.  Real estate was always a good investement.

Who knew the market was going to tank?  Not just the real estate market, but the entire economy!  Certainly not me.  It didn't scare me at first.  I love my house.  Just the right sizr for me yet big enough to share should I find a partner.  A perfect layout in a convenient area - near the beach, near my grandchildren, near shopping.  I had no intention of getting rid of it anytime soon.  By the time I was ready to sell, the maket would have picked up...or so I thought.

Then I got laid off...almost a year and a half ago.  That's a long time to be unemployed.  Unemployment benefits help, but they barely cover the mortgage payments - and they will end in the next four to five months.  A live-in boyfriend helped for a while, but when that was over, it was over.  It's been touch and go since then.  I just can't afford my house any longer.

I talked with a Realtor today.  Like so many people, I now owe more than my house appraises for.  I am "upside down" or "underwater" as they call it.  If I am able to sell my house at all (no houses in this area have sold in quite some time), I will have about twenty thousand dollars in out of pocket costs...to cover fees, commission and the balance of the mortgage that would not be covered by the sale price.  Not the cheeriest news - and not possible.  I can't afford to pay out twenty thousand dollars for someone to buy my house - thus, I can't afford to sell my house.

My only options are to keep digging into savings and try to keep the house or consider a short-sale or a foreclosure.  I don't see an upside to trying to keep the house.  I will never get my money out of it; the best I can hope for is to break even some day and that day is some years down the road.  A short-sale and a foreclosure yield the same result; the only difference is the short-sale is not quite as hard a hit on ones credit as a forclosure.  Both require that one be behind on mortgage payments.  So it would seem that, no matter which option I choose, the next step is to stop making my mortgage payments.

I never, in my wildest dreams, thought not paying my mortgage would be a requirement to divest myself of a house I can no longer afford.  Apparently, when I wasn't paying attention, the American Dream died.

RIP...

What's Next???

My thirteen week work contract lasted three weeks.  Seems they decided they didn't need a nurse after all - or maybe they just didn't want me.  Either way (and it appears I'll never really know for sure) they backed out of the contract.  So here I am, once again, unemployed and at-large.

The agency that hired me is looking for another spot for me, but I do not want to travel outside a radius that will allow me to live either at home or at Jack's, so there may not be much available.  I like having time to myself again, but it was really nice having an income for a little while.  Funny what a boost that is to ones self-esteem.  Now I am back to weighing every expenditure and depending on savings.

In the interim I learned that my unemployment benefit year has ended.  When my original twenty-six weeks ended, I moved into emergency benefits and need to keep those.  Fortunately I was able to take care of that and get benefits restarted with a phone call.  One goes through four tiers of emergency benefits before they end and I am in Tier 2, so for now I still have unemployment benefits.

One thing I've learned over the years is that life constantly changes from one minute to the next.  A month ago I was unemployed, last week I had a good paying job, this week I am jobless again; who knows what tomorrow - or next week - will bring...

Perspective...

I made a home visit the other day to see a sweet male patient who is about seventy-five.  When I removed my hearing aids to put the stethoscope in my ears, he commented that I was awfully young to be wearing hearing aids.  I smiled and asked him how old he thought I was.  He lookied intently at my face for a few seconds then answered, "Oh about forty-eight."  Thanking him for the compliment, I told him I am sixty-one.  His reply: "You're damn near as old as I am!"

Birthday Thoughts...

Another birthday has just rolled around.  They seem to be coming more often now.  I don't look forward to them like I did as a kid, but I think I appreciate them more.  I remember when I couldn't wait to get older.  I wanted to be twelve or thirteen, sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one.  There was always an age to aspire to.  Now, I'm in no such hurry to get older.  Older is what my parents were - not me!

Sixty -one has always sounded older to me.  Grey hair cut short, a grey Oldsmobile, sensible shoes, conservative values and a touch of dismay over the younger generation.  But that's not me.  I keep my hair dark and shoulder length...with just a splash of silver bangs and have never driven an Oldsmobile of any color.  My values, far from conservative, include choice, gay marriage and tolerance and I envy the younger generation in some ways.  I do wear sensible shoes though - no fun having ones feet hurt!  So what does sixty-one really look like?

This time last year I was in Spain.  Took a marvelous ten day trip with my then boyfriend.  My first across an ocean.  We explored Spain and took a quick hop to Africa, spending a day in Tangier, Morocco.  It was fun, exciting and exhilerating; I revelled in the different cultures and turning sixty slipped by almost unnoticed - which was my plan!

This year there was no milestone, just a simple transition from sixty to sixty-one.  Rather than jumping continents, I traveled only a few counties away and celebrated with the new man in my life.  We had a lovely dinner out and watched a classic - Gone With the Wind.  I hope to spend my next birthday with him too.   

On Being Unemployed...

Unless one lives in a cave...or on another planet, the economy is the story.  Joblessness is at an all time high, foreclosures are rampant and a majority of people are "upside down" on their mortgages.  We all know someone who has been affected.

I am one.  I got "laid off" a year ago.  Was told that the company numbers couldn't justify two RNs in our department and I was being let go.  It sounds like they are doing you a favor, we're "letting" you go...so much nicer than "you don't have a job anymore."

Being unemployed evokes so many different emotions.  Disbelief, hurt, anger, fear, for starters.  It deflates one's confidence and shatters self-esteem.  I am useless, no one values me, I contribute nothing, I accomplish nothing.  I send in resume after resume, apply to job after job...most don't even bother to reply.  A few say thanks but no thanks and fewer sill want an interview.  The phrase one hears most often is "the response was huge."  It is one rejection after another, "We have selected another candidate."  You get close sometimes, but success is elusive.

Then there are the financial worries.  Unemployment is available as well as the much welcomed emergency extensions, but it isn't equivilent to lost income and doesn't cover all the bills...so every month the hole gets a bit deeper.  I own a home but, like most people today, I bought when the market was high and am now upside down.  Renting would be less costly, but selling is not an option.

There are upsides.  Plenty of free time and flexibility, no alarm clocks...a leisurely life with time for family, travel and activities.  I've done lots of traveling over the past year, entertained houseguests and spent quality time with my grandkids...and enjoyed it all.

Sometimes I like not having to go to work; other times I am quite bored and lonely.  I often worry about money...how deep is the hole getting...what happens when my health insurance comes to an end?  I notice that my confidence in my ability to do a job is waning and I don't like that.  I've always been proud of my ability to support myself and now that's no longer true; something else I don't like.

I'm entering the second tier of emergency unemployment benefits, trying to enjoy my life, visiting doctors while my COBRA is still in effect, submitting resumes and applications...and keeping hope alive.