April 24, 2010 was Mom’s birthday. She would have been 86. I miss her. Not the person she had become in her last few years – forgetful, eventually blossoming into full-blown dementia, so wrapped up in her own frailties that she no longer focused on anything else, depressed over her circumstances and about where life had taken her, unable to carry on a real conversation about anything else; that isn’t the Mom I miss. I miss the Mother I could talk to about anything, who loved me without question, the one to whom I was truly amazing. When your children are grown and your parents are gone, you are no longer perfect in anyone’s eyes.
After Nanny died, I asked Mom what it felt like to lose your parents. She said when your parents are gone, the wall between you and eternity disappears. There is no one standing between you and death. In the nearly year and a half since Mom and Dad died I have come to understand what she meant. I find myself thinking about my own demise. It no longer seems distant and far off. There’s no one in the family older than me – I’m next. I don’t worry about what form it will take or what the process will be like. I worry that I won’t have finished living yet. So many things yet to do; so many things I may not get to experience. How can I cram it all in and why didn’t I do more when I was younger?
It wasn’t so long ago that I was young…beautiful…desirable…self sufficient…able to stand tall in the world. Now I’m tired. Yes, on occasion, I’m still told I’m beautiful…desirable, not so much. I have gone from looking good to looking good for my age.
My parents were my cheering section…and my back-up plan. It wasn’t hard being strong when I had a safety net. It wasn't hard being confident when there was someone in this world who thought I was fabulous! Everything's a little harder now, but life's cycle continues... I am my kids' cheering section. I think they're fabulous, amazing and perfect! I am the wall between them and eternity.
I miss my Mom. Wish I could tell her how much I love her, miss her and appreciated her.
